due date

Tuesday was Jameson's due date. It wasn't as difficult as I thought it might be. I only got emotional a couple times. Tonight though, I tortured myself and went on a baby website I went to all the time while pregnant. Of course, I ended up bawling my eyes out....

I am thankful that I got to hold my baby, but I will regret until my dying day that I didn't hold him more. that I didn't kiss him or even tell him I loved him during the so short time we had him. I was just so numb and it was so hard to even hold him knowing his heart would soon stop beating. I relive that moment so much, and I so wish I could redo it. I just want more than anything for him to know how much I love him and how much I will always miss him. I've said countless times that I wish this could have happened earlier...why not in the first trimester? But I take that back. As much as this hurts. hurts so fucking bad. I am glad that I got to actually meet him and hold him. Yes, it made it harder because it strengthened the bond I felt for him even more but I wouldn't trade it for anything. On the website, I saw all these birth announcements of babies that were born this week and their photos posted by the tired new mommies. It just breaks my heart so much because he should be arriving right now or already here in my arms. I feel like a part of my heart will always be missing. I can't wait to have another baby. I can't wait to have another miserable pregnancy if it is going to finally bring this dream to a reality. But when I get that big fat positive and I feel so elated despite the fear, I know this pain will still be there. I've just never been more sure of anything than I am of my calling to be a mother.