Compartmentalization

I heard a word today that perfectly describes how I have been coping lately: compartmentalization. I've heard the term before, but never really given it much thought. But now it makes perfect sense. I have been compartmentalizing all of my sadness, anger, frustration, and every other negative feeling associated with Jameson. In the beginning, these emotions were front and center, but these days, they mostly stay safely shut in their only little corner of my brain. Sometimes though, they come barreling out unexpectedly, like when I see a newborn baby boy, or a cute baby outfit I should have a reason to buy right now, or when I am writing a blog about it...

I understand that compartmentalization is supposed to be a positive coping mechanism, so you're not walking around like a grieving zombie all the time. But it makes me sad...like I am shutting out some of the few, although sad, memories of Jameson.

It reminds me of the day I got his memory box and put all of his things in there...the little rosary and wood box we got at the hospital, an MTSU onesie Diana had bought him, a stuffed walrus James got me while I was still in the hospital with my patient bracelet around its neck, his pictures, the only outfit I had bought him, his footprints and birth record, and a few other things. Anyway, when I put them all in the box, I had a complete meltdown. It just made me so sad to feel like his whole physical existence could be reduced to this one little box.

I was happy to have all of his things in one special place finally, but it made me sad at the same time. I guess that's how I feel about what is going on in my brain right now.

About this blog...

I decided to create this blog as a way for me to get my thoughts and feelings out of my brain. Hopefully, I will be motivated to do it on a more regular basis with it being in an open forum instead of a private journal. I've never been good at keeping up with those.

I've titled this blog "A New Life" because that is what I am living. My first child, a baby boy we named Jameson Thomas, passed away shortly after birth on April 5, 2011. (I plan on writing a more detailed post about this later.) On the surface, our lives look basically the same as they did 9 months ago, but internally, they could not be more different. Being a mother, especially a mother to a child who is not here on Earth with me, has changed me in unexplainable ways. It has made me see the world in a completely different light. So, this blog will chronicle my new life, a life forever changed by my baby boy...for better and for worse. It won't be all sad though, I promise...just real.