angry ramblings

I woke up feeling depressed today, and it has virtually stayed with me all day long. Sometimes I feel bipolar because of how quickly my emotions can change from one day to the next. or one hour or minute to the next. Every negative seems magnified these days, and little things that wouldn't have phased me before (it seems like everything is measured in befores and afters now) can set me off. I have never been this angry in my life, and I hate being this way because it's not me. I hate feeling animosity towards pregnant woman just because I was suddenly and hurtfully kicked out of that club. I do not wish ill will on anyone, and I know, on a logical level, that other people's lives don't stop just because mine experienced a setback. However, it stings. I want to be 9 months pregnant right now, like I thought I would be, anxiously awaiting the arrival of our baby boy. I want to be worried about the now-seemingly stupid things I was worried about before. I want my baby still safe and sound inside me. I try to tell myself that it will be ok; I can have another baby. But that just makes me even angrier because I don't want another baby...I want HIM. I want Jameson. I feel like he was stolen from me, and I will forever have a piece of my heart missing. I think about all the things about him I never got to know, like the color of his eyes or hair...would they have been blue and black like mine? Would he have loved baseball as much as his dad? What would his smile have looked like? It breaks my heart so much to think of these things, but my mind continuously goes there. I don't know why I punish myself so much...maybe I feel it is deserved. After all, there was never anything wrong with my baby, just with me. My only job was to keep him safe and healthy for 9 months, and I feel like I failed at it, like I didn't do all I could. Logically, I know there was no way to have known, but still, my mind goes there. I hope more than anything that I can have a healthy baby (or two) at some point, and I actually had hoped I'd be pregnant right now...before school started back. Apparently, I am not...which just depresses me even more. Sixteen year olds and crackheads can get pregnant at the drop of a dime and have healthy babies, and I cannot? Just another source of my anger. Maybe I am not emotionally ready for another pregnancy yet, and I fully believe things will happen when they are meant to. But I am just growing impatient. I had finally came to terms with being a mother and that was snatched away from me. I am going to start viewing Jameson as the hero who saved his future siblings' lives by sacrificing his own. I would have never known I had any issues if it wasn't for him, and because of him, I will be way more prepared and educated with my next pregnancy. Even though it is broken, my heart is filled with so much love for this baby boy that it is immeasurable and unlike any I've ever felt. I will miss him every moment for the rest of my life, and he has changed me forever. For his sake, I have to make sure that change is for good.