due date

Tuesday was Jameson's due date. It wasn't as difficult as I thought it might be. I only got emotional a couple times. Tonight though, I tortured myself and went on a baby website I went to all the time while pregnant. Of course, I ended up bawling my eyes out....

I am thankful that I got to hold my baby, but I will regret until my dying day that I didn't hold him more. that I didn't kiss him or even tell him I loved him during the so short time we had him. I was just so numb and it was so hard to even hold him knowing his heart would soon stop beating. I relive that moment so much, and I so wish I could redo it. I just want more than anything for him to know how much I love him and how much I will always miss him. I've said countless times that I wish this could have happened earlier...why not in the first trimester? But I take that back. As much as this hurts. hurts so fucking bad. I am glad that I got to actually meet him and hold him. Yes, it made it harder because it strengthened the bond I felt for him even more but I wouldn't trade it for anything. On the website, I saw all these birth announcements of babies that were born this week and their photos posted by the tired new mommies. It just breaks my heart so much because he should be arriving right now or already here in my arms. I feel like a part of my heart will always be missing. I can't wait to have another baby. I can't wait to have another miserable pregnancy if it is going to finally bring this dream to a reality. But when I get that big fat positive and I feel so elated despite the fear, I know this pain will still be there. I've just never been more sure of anything than I am of my calling to be a mother.

angry ramblings

I woke up feeling depressed today, and it has virtually stayed with me all day long. Sometimes I feel bipolar because of how quickly my emotions can change from one day to the next. or one hour or minute to the next. Every negative seems magnified these days, and little things that wouldn't have phased me before (it seems like everything is measured in befores and afters now) can set me off. I have never been this angry in my life, and I hate being this way because it's not me. I hate feeling animosity towards pregnant woman just because I was suddenly and hurtfully kicked out of that club. I do not wish ill will on anyone, and I know, on a logical level, that other people's lives don't stop just because mine experienced a setback. However, it stings. I want to be 9 months pregnant right now, like I thought I would be, anxiously awaiting the arrival of our baby boy. I want to be worried about the now-seemingly stupid things I was worried about before. I want my baby still safe and sound inside me. I try to tell myself that it will be ok; I can have another baby. But that just makes me even angrier because I don't want another baby...I want HIM. I want Jameson. I feel like he was stolen from me, and I will forever have a piece of my heart missing. I think about all the things about him I never got to know, like the color of his eyes or hair...would they have been blue and black like mine? Would he have loved baseball as much as his dad? What would his smile have looked like? It breaks my heart so much to think of these things, but my mind continuously goes there. I don't know why I punish myself so much...maybe I feel it is deserved. After all, there was never anything wrong with my baby, just with me. My only job was to keep him safe and healthy for 9 months, and I feel like I failed at it, like I didn't do all I could. Logically, I know there was no way to have known, but still, my mind goes there. I hope more than anything that I can have a healthy baby (or two) at some point, and I actually had hoped I'd be pregnant right now...before school started back. Apparently, I am not...which just depresses me even more. Sixteen year olds and crackheads can get pregnant at the drop of a dime and have healthy babies, and I cannot? Just another source of my anger. Maybe I am not emotionally ready for another pregnancy yet, and I fully believe things will happen when they are meant to. But I am just growing impatient. I had finally came to terms with being a mother and that was snatched away from me. I am going to start viewing Jameson as the hero who saved his future siblings' lives by sacrificing his own. I would have never known I had any issues if it wasn't for him, and because of him, I will be way more prepared and educated with my next pregnancy. Even though it is broken, my heart is filled with so much love for this baby boy that it is immeasurable and unlike any I've ever felt. I will miss him every moment for the rest of my life, and he has changed me forever. For his sake, I have to make sure that change is for good.

Compartmentalization

I heard a word today that perfectly describes how I have been coping lately: compartmentalization. I've heard the term before, but never really given it much thought. But now it makes perfect sense. I have been compartmentalizing all of my sadness, anger, frustration, and every other negative feeling associated with Jameson. In the beginning, these emotions were front and center, but these days, they mostly stay safely shut in their only little corner of my brain. Sometimes though, they come barreling out unexpectedly, like when I see a newborn baby boy, or a cute baby outfit I should have a reason to buy right now, or when I am writing a blog about it...

I understand that compartmentalization is supposed to be a positive coping mechanism, so you're not walking around like a grieving zombie all the time. But it makes me sad...like I am shutting out some of the few, although sad, memories of Jameson.

It reminds me of the day I got his memory box and put all of his things in there...the little rosary and wood box we got at the hospital, an MTSU onesie Diana had bought him, a stuffed walrus James got me while I was still in the hospital with my patient bracelet around its neck, his pictures, the only outfit I had bought him, his footprints and birth record, and a few other things. Anyway, when I put them all in the box, I had a complete meltdown. It just made me so sad to feel like his whole physical existence could be reduced to this one little box.

I was happy to have all of his things in one special place finally, but it made me sad at the same time. I guess that's how I feel about what is going on in my brain right now.

About this blog...

I decided to create this blog as a way for me to get my thoughts and feelings out of my brain. Hopefully, I will be motivated to do it on a more regular basis with it being in an open forum instead of a private journal. I've never been good at keeping up with those.

I've titled this blog "A New Life" because that is what I am living. My first child, a baby boy we named Jameson Thomas, passed away shortly after birth on April 5, 2011. (I plan on writing a more detailed post about this later.) On the surface, our lives look basically the same as they did 9 months ago, but internally, they could not be more different. Being a mother, especially a mother to a child who is not here on Earth with me, has changed me in unexplainable ways. It has made me see the world in a completely different light. So, this blog will chronicle my new life, a life forever changed by my baby boy...for better and for worse. It won't be all sad though, I promise...just real.