a year later.

I've been horrible about keeping up with this blog, but as Jameson's due date draws near, I thought it would be a good time to pick things back up.

Lately, my thoughts keep going to how things would be if he was born near his due date last August. How it would be to have a one year old right now. I have a friend whose son is near the age Jameson should be, and she posted on Facebook earlier that he took his first steps today. It's like a dagger in the heart to think of all of the things I am missing out on.

I think having Corbin here has brought back up so many emotions surrounding Jameson too. It makes it more real to me how our lives would have been if he had lived. I now know what it is like having a newborn in our house, and it makes me even more aware of everything I am missing with Jameson. I also can't help but to compare them and wonder things, like would they have had the same eyes or smile?

It makes me sad for Corbin in that he was robbed of the chance of ever getting to know his big brother. Seeing "little brother" shirts always hurts. Realistically, I know that it is unlikely we would have gotten pregnant with Corbin so soon had Jameson lived, but I can't stop my mind from going there. I would give absolutely anything to have both of our boys with us, and I feel that because that's impossible, our family will never fully feel complete.

I also struggle with not projecting any of this onto Corbin and causing him any undue pressure. I want him to know about his big brother, but I don't know the best way to go about it. My plan as of now is to talk about it when he's old enough since I am sure he will ask questions about some of Jameson's things around the house. Above our couch, I have a big canvas of Jameson's name written in the sand at sunset, and Corbin stares at it all.the.time. It's bittersweet but makes me smile, nonetheless. I also plan to read him the book "Someone Came Before You," which is a children's book about the loss of an older sibling before they were born.

The duality of my life is unreal right now. Having Corbin here makes me happier than I have ever been yet there is still a definite sadness always there, just beneath the surface, that can present itself at any random moment. I am still struggling to find a balance in my life, and I know it will take awhile to get there but I feel like I am on my way.